The Weight of Madness Read online

  As evening rolled around, we ate steaks and shrimp and corn on the cob along the beach. It was a perfect summer day and the air still remained warm despite the falling sun.

  A huge pack of guys showed up around eight, and I imagined they were all friends of Olivia’s younger brother Seth. They used to annoy us greatly back in the day, but seemed to leave us alone now that we had our own group on the beach with our significant others. Olivia and I planned another late night game of volleyball as Lance returned from the house with a tray of new drinks.

  “We’re just about to play another round,” I said excitedly as he set down the glasses. “You want in?”

  “I, uh, I think I should go,” he said uncomfortably, throwing the grey t-shirt back on that he’d peeled off six hours ago. His mood completely shifted.

  “Why? What’s going on?” I was unsure as to why his expression had changed so drastically from just minutes ago when he went into the house.

  “I just, I don’t want any trouble,” he stammered, still not explaining anything to me.

  “What are you talking about? Everything seems fine.”

  “There’s someone here,” he said hesitantly. “I saw him when I went back in the house. I don’t think he saw me yet, and trust me, it’s better that way.”

  “Lance, I don’t understand. There’s some guy here who doesn’t like you? Who cares? You don’t have to leave because of it.”

  “It would be best if I did,” he said in a very serious tone. “Stay and have fun with your friends. I know this party means a lot to you, and I wouldn’t want you to leave because of me. Stay for Olivia, she’s so excited to have you here, I know that.”

  “Lance, I…”

  He cut me off. “I’ll have Logan come pick me up so I don’t have to drive since I’ve been drinking. Can someone give you a ride when the party’s over or are you staying with Olivia?”

  “I thought I was staying with you,” I responded quietly, still unsure of what was really going on.

  “I can pick you up later when you’re done, if you want. I just have to go.” He shrugged, looking defeated.

  “I don’t understand, why can’t you just stay? Maybe it’s no big deal. Maybe the guy doesn’t even care that you’re here.”

  “He’ll care a great deal if he knows I’m here,” he said through gritted teeth. “It will ruin the party, and I’m not doing that to you and your friends. I have to go.” He touched my face and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t do this,” I pled, still certain he was overreacting. “Please. I’m asking you to stay.”

  “I would never do that to you or the people you care about, Soph. This wouldn’t end well, and I won’t do it.”

  “You won’t do what? It’s probably nothing. Don’t abandon me over a hunch.”

  “It’s not a hunch,” he replied, sounding slightly agitated. “I would deserve it. I did something horrible, Soph.”

  A crowd started forming by the volleyball court and I knew we were about to be interrupted. Worse than that, Seth’s friends were making their way down to the court and I imagined that included whatever guy Lance didn’t want to run into.

  “Can you please trust me right now?” he asked seriously, squeezing my hand. “I wouldn’t be doing this to you if it wasn’t a big deal. Stay here with your friends and just enjoy your night with them. I’ll come back to get you as soon as you call, I swear. Just trust me on this.”

  “How can I trust you when I don’t know anything?”

  “It’s for the best,” he said softly, kissing me one last time before letting go of my hand.

  “Why won’t you just tell me?”

  “Because it would ruin everything.” He gave me an apologetic look and shrugged, and then walked away from me.

  Chapter 14

  “Are you okay Soph?” Olivia yelled out from the volleyball court as everyone chose sides. I was completely confused by everything that’d just happened. I nodded, walking over to the court where Olivia and Lexi were waiting for me.

  “Lance wasn’t feeling well,” I lied, unsure why I said it. I wanted to tell Olivia about it, but this wasn’t the right time.

  Within a minute, the volleyball was flying through the air as the court lights turned on and my thoughts of Lance were completely disrupted. I tried to participate as best I could, but I was too distracted to play well. About thirty minutes later, the game ended and we resumed our spot on the beach, waiting for the fireworks show. We all put on light sweatshirts and yoga pants over our swimsuits as the cooler air settled in now that the sun was down.

  Garrett and Nathan both went inside the house for more drinks, so Lexi, Olivia and I were finally alone.

  “Lance got sick?” Lexi questioned as we sat down on some wooden beach chairs.

  “Something seemed off.” I was unsure of what all to tell them. “He was acting kind of weird.” My mind wandered in a thousand directions. “Who were those guys who came by earlier?”

  “My brother’s friends?” Olivia clarified.

  “Yeah,” I confirmed, shaking my head. “I know most of them from school, I think. I remember the Washko brothers, Josh, Nate, and Chris, obviously.” I was rattling off names of the guys who looked familiar to me. “But there were a few guys who came after them that I didn’t recognize.”

  “Oh, those guys. I think my brother knows from school in Ann Arbor,” Olivia explained. “I’ve only met them a few times. One of them, Kyle, he’s kind of hot, did you see him? Kyle Chadswick? I think they call him ‘Wicky’ or something stupid like that… The guy in the green shorts?”

  “Oh, his smile,” Lexi chimed in. “I definitely noticed him.”

  “But I could never even imagine dating one of my brother’s friends,” Olivia added dramatically. “I’d rather die. Those other two guys with Kyle were cute too, Nick Kensington and Joey… Joey Wilkenson I think? Something like that.”

  My brain fixated on the previous name. Nick Kensington. Same last name as Lance’s ex. That made a little more sense.

  “I’m surprised Lance left you here alone with all these guys ogling us,” Olivia teased. “Of course Garrett’s been on his phone all day, so he hasn’t even noticed. I think it’s time to let that fish go.”

  “Can I stop by your bank tomorrow, Lex?” I asked, completely changing the subject.

  “Of course, I’m there from nine to six,” she replied casually. “Business or pleasure?”

  “I think I’m turning into Olivia,” I said sheepishly.

  Olivia gasped. “Yes! We’re spying on someone?”

  I hated the way she made it sound. I didn’t necessarily want to spy on anyone. I just needed a little more information. Surely I could find out what I needed to know while coming up with a legitimate excuse for it.

  “You guys are going to get me fired,” Lexi replied with a laugh. Olivia often had Lexi look up personal information on her dating conquests. She actually found out a guy was cheating on her because of it. Supposedly her beau was at the library studying, but Lexi confirmed a debit charge that night at Applebee’s on the guy’s card for sixty bucks – definitely more than the cost of dinner for one. That didn’t end well.

  I’d never asked for any such favors from Lexi; that was always Olivia’s doing. Usually it was completely innocent snooping, like looking up how much the new cute nightly news anchor had in his account. It was purely entertainment, and Lexi had access to it all.

  “I’m just trying to help Lance with a property he wants to buy,” I said vaguely.

  “Isn’t he in real estate?” Olivia questioned, blowing my cover.

  “Well yeah,” I said hesitantly, still trying not to sound like a completely psychotic girlfriend. “But his license is in Indiana, so he doesn’t have access to Michigan info. He already has someone from a title company looking into it, but I just had a few questions I thought you may be able to help me with.” It sounded somewhat innocent, right?

  “Come by
around eleven-thirty after my manager leaves for lunch,” Lexi stated. “I’ll do what I can.”

  Garrett and Nathan returned in a drunken stupor with a few more cocktails. My mind raced as we sat out on the beach, waiting for the fireworks. I thought back to Lance’s departure.

  It would ruin everything. What did Lance mean by that? It was an awfully dramatic statement. I understood his guilt over what happened with his dog. It was a very melancholy story, and I could see how that was a heavy burden he was carrying. The circumstances around it were horrible, and it made sense to me that he blamed himself like he did. But it didn’t change my feelings about him. Not one bit. It didn’t change who he was to me. Sure, he felt like he let Emily down by breaking things off with her. I understood that too. But given the circumstances, it seemed to me that she was equally to blame for everything that went down. But either way, his secrets didn’t affect me like he thought they would. They didn’t scare me away. I was still here.

  I hated the way I was trying to make sense of something I completely didn’t understand. I had no experience with anything related to his past or whatever diagnosis he was dealing with now. I had no experience with addiction or PTSD. Other than some generic internet research, I really didn’t know what to do about his panic attacks, nor did I know how to ease his mind from the guilt he still hung on to from his past. I never carried a heavy burden like that, so I couldn’t begin to know what kind of toll that took on him. I didn’t know what he went through or what it was like. The fact that it still plagued him like it did after the fact, that was powerful to me.

  “Soph, are you ready?” Olivia was waving her hands in front of my face, clearly trying to get my attention.

  “Sorry, I was thinking about something,” I said dismissively, standing up to follow the group to the house. Chairs were set up all across the massive deck of Olivia’s house. We took our spot and within ten minutes, there was a beautiful fireworks display taking place right in front of us on the beach.

  I loved this moment. I’d been spending Memorial Day with Olivia and her family ever since I was a young child. The experience never grew old to me. It was spectacular even at their previous house, set back a ways from the lake, but this house made it an even grander experience. It was welcoming and familiar and comfortable. Yet here I was, also feeling lonely in some small way simply because I was missing someone.

  After the fireworks, I shot Lance a quick text. Thinking about you. Are you okay? I waited for a minute, but there was no reply. I wondered if I did the right thing by not leaving with him. Technically he didn’t even ask me to, instead he insisted I stay. I would’ve felt bad for Olivia if I’d left early, as I knew this party meant a lot to her. I felt like I couldn’t win.

  “Shots,” Olivia squealed, setting down a tray of bubbly pink glasses. “Then let’s go jump in the waves.” It was like an unspoken holiday tradition. Somehow after the fireworks we always ended up stripping down back to our bathing suits, no matter how cold it was, and we’d wind up in the frigid lake, then back to warm up in the hot tub. Tonight’s events were shaping up to mirror that.

  Garrett and Nathan decided to leave for the night, leaving Lexi, Olivia and me alone for the rest of the party. It was a welcome decision. We slugged down our pink shots, and I regretted the burning liquid as soon as it hit my lips. Olivia quickly peeled off her sweatshirt and pants and Lexi and I followed suit. In no time, we were running toward the shoreline to go splash around in the water. We giggled and squealed and it was as if we were fourteen years old again, doing this exact same thing minus the alcohol. The joy I felt being around these girls was immeasurable. Even when we were doing something as stupid as frolicking in ice cold water at eleven o’clock on a Monday night, it didn’t matter; our bond was inseparable and I loved every minute of their company.

  “Who needs boys anyway,” Olivia declared into the night air, running her hands through the waves as the water lapped around our legs. “They’re more trouble than they’re worth.”

  “I hear you,” I mumbled, looking into the darkness stretched out in front of us.

  “Was Lance really sick? Or was he just having a bad time?” Olivia asked directly.

  I sighed, unsure of what to even say. “Neither. He has some issues.” I wasn’t sure how to explain it. “There was a guy here he recognized from his past and he didn’t want any trouble. I don’t know, that’s all I could get out of him. You said that guy in the red shorts was someone named Nick Kensington? If I had to guess, I would say that’s the guy he has an issue with.”

  Olivia gasped. “Yes! I just realized it. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, I know who he is.”

  I wasn’t sure how Olivia could possibly know anyone from Lance’s past. These beach towns were smaller than the town Lance came from, but it still seemed too interconnected.

  “I mean I don’t know him,” Olivia continued, “but I remember him from the bar now. The night I called the cops on Logan. That’s the guy Logan was beating the crap out of at the bar!” She gasped as she came to the realization.

  “Lance wasn’t there that night, right?” I clarified.

  “No,” she shook her head assuredly. “I heard his name through their conversation though before the fight happened. I can’t recall the specifics, other than Logan getting really fired up over it. He just kept punching him and he wouldn’t stop. The bouncers tried to pull him off, but he was just…enraged. I remember wondering what the other guy could’ve possibly said to Logan to make him react like that. Especially after meeting Logan, he just doesn’t seem like the type. I mean, they’re big and in shape and all that, but they just don’t seem like the fighting type, right? They seem more soft-spoken and gentle. The entire scene that night surprised me, especially after meeting Logan. It didn’t fit.”

  “Lance wouldn’t tell me anything about it,” I replied hesitantly, disappointed I was getting more out of Olivia than he’d offered me about the Nick guy. He could’ve simply said the guy wanted to retaliate after Logan beat him up. I would’ve understood that – if that was even the whole story. Though I wasn’t even sure Lance knew about Logan’s bar fight in the first place. Logan clearly didn’t want him to know about it.

  “What happened with Lance and his ex?” Lexi asked innocently. “Do you know what went wrong?”

  “She was an addict,” I explained, wishing we were having this conversation someplace else. “Pills I guess. He tried to help her, but it sounds like she didn’t care. He gave her a choice, and she picked her addiction over him. I can tell it torments him, everything he went through with her – watching her destroy herself and their relationship and all that. It’s like he feels he was in the wrong by choosing to walk away, but I can’t imagine someone staying trapped in that life. He beats himself up over it, that much I can tell.”

  “He seems like a good guy,” Lexi said sincerely. “I’m sure that was a hard place to be, watching someone you care about choosing something so destructive over choosing you. I can see how that’s a hard thing to deal with.”

  “But if it’s over, why is he still so caught up in it?” I responded with a frustrated tone. “He’s told me very little about it. It’s as if he still wants to save her. I mean, it sounds like it’s completely over, but yet he’s still somehow not over it. The night he accidentally called me, do you know what the first words were out of his mouth? I love you. He was saying it to her. I’m sure he doesn’t remember saying it, but it’s all I think about.” I’d shared some personal things about Lance with Olivia and Lexi about his insomnia and bad dreams, and obviously the phone call, but I’d never been this forthcoming about the entire thing. “Am I an idiot? Falling for a guy whose first words to me were professing his love for someone else?” That had been weighing on my mind these past few weeks, but I never had the gall to say it. I so badly wanted to bring it up to Lance, but I couldn’t do it on the chance there was some truth to it. Somehow not talking about her was the only thing saving my sanity. At least t
his way it was easier to imagine everything we had was pure and real and completely separate from her.

  “You’re not an idiot, Soph, of course it makes sense you would fall for him,” Olivia said matter-of-factly. “When I see you together, it makes perfect sense. He’s thoughtful and sweet and considerate. It’s all over his face that he adores you.”

  “But what if he still feels some pull toward her? He obviously feels guilty about walking away from her.”

  “Probably just from a wellness standpoint,” Lexi interjected. “It’s normal to think about people from your past – to wonder about what they’re up to, what they’re doing… That’s probably all it is. He’s not the one talking about her to you, right? So your feelings about this are probably all in your head.”

  “Maybe,” I muttered.

  We splashed around in the water a little while longer, turning our conversation to more jovial ridiculous things, like speculating whether we could swim out to one of the buoys and back in under three minutes. Fortunately all three of us weren’t stupid enough to try it. After some more laughs, we headed back up to the house to soak in the hot tub on her patio. I checked my phone real quick, but there was still no reply from Lance.

  Most of the party guests had filtered out by now, other than one of Olivia’s brother’s friends and a few extended family members who were actually staying for the holiday week. We must’ve soaked in the hot tub for well over an hour before Mr. Prescott finally said goodnight.

  “If anyone needs a ride home, use the car service number by the front door,” he insisted.

  “I’m staying here tonight with Olivia since my boyfriend ditched me,” Lexi replied with a giggle, clearly intoxicated from how much she’d been drinking all day. I wasn’t as bad, but still had no intentions of driving anywhere. That’s when it dawned on me that I couldn’t drive anywhere even if I wanted to, because Lance was my ride here. So much for him coming back to get me – he wasn’t even responding to my message.