The Weight of Madness Page 14

  “What about you, Soph? You can stay too,” Olivia said warmly. “You know there are plenty of beds downstairs in the guest area.”

  “Remember when Mark Evans threw up all over the blue boat room downstairs?” Lexi giggled. “That was the same night I made out with that foreign exchange student guy from our school, what was his name? Raul? Where the hell is he right now?” she continued with a laugh.

  “You girls are my favorite people,” I said sincerely. “Forever. No matter what guys we end up with, or even if we all become spinsters, nothing will ever replace this.”

  “Don’t curse us with that spinster BS,” Olivia slurred, splashing water at me. “At least we’re trying. Go get the boy.”

  “He hasn’t texted me back,” I replied somberly, checking my phone for what felt like the twentieth time that hour.

  “Maybe he’s sleeping,” Lexi suggested innocently. It was almost one in the morning.

  “He doesn’t sleep.” I sighed, full of frustration. “I mean sometimes with me he does, but not otherwise.” I thought of the broken chair in that moment, wondering if perhaps I should stop by, just in case something was wrong. I didn’t know if that would help or hurt. I wasn’t sure what state of mind he was in at the moment, other than knowing how agitated he was when he left.

  I stepped out of the hot tub to dry myself off. After changing into some warmer clothes, my phone finally rang. Strangely enough, it was a number I didn’t recognize.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s Logan,” a wary voice said on the other end. “I take it you weren’t with my brother tonight?”

  “I was earlier, but he left hours ago. He said he would pick me up tonight, but I haven’t heard from him. I thought he was with you,” I replied nervously, unsure why he would call me to find Lance. “What’s going on?”

  “Dammit,” he murmured on the other end. “I’ll take care of it.”

  “Take care of what? Where is he?”

  Logan hesitated. “He’s at the police station.”

  Chapter 15

  “Do you have another ride?” Logan asked as I remained quiet on the other end of the phone, trying to process the news. Why would Lance be at the police station? I was just with him a few hours ago. “Are you okay?”

  “I was fine until this phone call,” I said with a crack in my voice. “There was a guy here at Olivia’s party tonight, Nick, uh, Nick Kensington,” I tried explaining quickly. “Lance said he didn’t want any trouble so he left. I tried texting him an hour ago but he never replied.”

  “I’ll handle it,” Logan reiterated. “Just go home.” The phone disconnected after he said it. Did he really hang up? Was that it?

  “What’s going on, Sophia?” Olivia asked with concern in her voice. She must’ve overheard part of my conversation.

  “Lance is at the police station.” I threw on my shoes.

  “For what?” Olivia asked in a panic.

  “By the sound of it, probably not volunteering or enrolling in the academy,” I said dryly.

  “Let me go get my dad,” Olivia urged, jumping out of the hot tub. “He can call someone.”

  “You don’t need to,” I replied sincerely. Her father was a prominent business man in town, so I had no doubt he could contact the right people, but I didn’t want to wake him over this. “We don’t even know what happened. You don’t need to involve your father. Logan certainly wasn’t asking for my help.” I grabbed my bag.

  “Are you going home? Or to Logan’s? Or to the police station?” Olivia shot off questions as we walked to the front of her house. “I’ll get you a ride.” She dialed a number from a phone by the front door and I could hear someone on the other end say there would be a car out front in less than three minutes. I opened the front door, and had to do a double take.

  “Lance’s truck is still here, in the same spot he parked it,” I murmured, confused to see it. If Logan hadn’t seen him tonight, then he never got a ride from him, and he obviously hadn’t taken his own truck. Where did he go?

  “So someone else picked him up? Or he left on foot?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied, shaking my head. Sure enough a black town car pulled into the drive, parking right next to the front door.

  “Call me, text me, something,” Olivia urged, giving me a quick hug as we said goodbye. “It’ll all be okay.”

  I assumed it was the alcohol giving her some false sense of hope. Clearly things weren’t okay, given the fact that my boyfriend left me here and ended up in police custody.

  Within eight minutes, the car pulled me up directly in front of the old brick police station. “Can you give me just a minute to see what’s going on?” I politely asked the driver. “I’ll pop out in just a few to let you know if I need a ride from here.”

  “Of course, ma’am,” the driver replied with a thick accent. “I can wait, no problem. I work until six.” The clock on his dash only read 1:18 a.m. If I didn’t know what I was doing even ten minutes from now, I expected I’d head home.

  I thanked him and ran inside the police station, looking disheveled with my wet hair in a loose braid. My yoga pants and hoodie weren’t my best look, but I didn’t exactly expect to be out in public at this hour.

  I reached the front desk where an annoyed woman in uniform listened to me rattle off what I knew.

  “Lance Rivers, he was brought here earlier tonight, I think,” I stammered, unsure what else to tell her.

  “Date of birth?” She didn’t even look up at me as she asked.

  “Mine? His?” I was too frustrated to put together clear thoughts.

  “His date of birth,” she responded dryly. Clearly our level of urgency was different.

  “Dammit, I don’t even know it,” I replied, embarrassment rising on my cheeks. Who shows up at a police station to see someone without even knowing some simple detail about them?

  “Two, four, ninety-one,” a deep voice said from behind me. Logan had just arrived. “Why are you here?”

  “You said Lance was here, so…”

  “This is just going to make him mad that I told you,” he huffed, running a hand through his hair. “I can handle this. You should go.”

  “He’s booked in already, you can come back in the morning,” the uniformed woman said unapologetically.

  “Please, can I just see him briefly?” I questioned, hopeful I could just have a moment with him.

  “I’m the one who needs to see him.” Logan stepped forward, cutting me off. “I can have an attorney here in thirty minutes.”

  “Hey, um,” the gruff woman said from behind the counter, listening to an ear piece she had in. She typed something in to her computer, then picked up a phone next to her. It seemed like someone else on the other end was doing most of the talking.

  “Yeah…okay. I’ll get the transfer. I know, imagine that, right? Yep…” The woman turned back around to face us. “Apparently someone else works faster than your attorney. They’re prepping him for release.”

  “Thank you Richard Prescott,” I mumbled into the air.

  “You called in a favor?” Logan sneered.

  “Why are you pissed at me? I’m just trying to help.”

  “He’s going to hate this,” Logan added, running another hand through his hair as we stood there awkwardly in the front lobby.

  “I’m not particularly enjoying this either,” I stated, crossing my arms.

  “You shouldn’t be involved in any of this,” he shot back. “It’ll make it worse.”

  “I’m making him worse?” I said snidely. “It appears the only time he’s normal is when he’s with me. Somehow when I’m not around he’s a completely different person. I’m not to blame here.”

  “You don’t even know what normal is for him.” He shook his head and I could hear the heavy emotion in his voice. “You don’t know the brother I used to have. The one who used to smile and laugh without a care in the whole entire world. The one who didn’t carry the weight of everyone e
lse’s problems on his shoulders. That guy is long gone, all because of a girl.”

  “Well I’m not that girl, so why are you blaming me for it?” I said sternly. “I’m not the one who wrecked him.”

  “Yeah, well you’re not the one who can fix him either.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I’ve already tried,” Logan replied through gritted teeth. “I have fought like hell to save him. But it’s not working. I’m losing him, and no one can do a damn thing about it. Not even some girl who hardly knows him.”

  His words stung. I could hear so many pangs of emotions in his voice. I knew he loved Lance, and I believed he was doing anything he could to protect him. He had that fierceness about him, and I knew it was genuine. But pushing me away was too much. Lance would have to do that himself if he wanted no part of me. I understood the way Logan was fighting for his brother now. But I felt something for Lance too. There was no way I was going to just walk away from this.

  “You don’t know what it’s like – loving someone with every part of you, just to realize you don’t even recognize them anymore,” Logan continued. “You realize you can’t help them and you can’t save them. You want your presence to matter, you want your words and your love to matter, but it doesn’t.”

  I thought of my Grandma Eve in that moment. What Logan was saying – it had to be wrong. My Grandma Eve was outside of her own mind – she wasn’t the person I used to love. She didn’t recognize me, or even herself some days. But my presence mattered, I firmly believed it. My words to her and my time with her and my love for her mattered. I couldn’t imagine it was all that different in this situation.

  “I believe it matters,” I said softly, trying to calm him. “I know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t even recognize me most days. But I don’t stop loving them because of it. I don’t stop trying because of it. I’m here because I believe it matters.”

  The door opened behind us, interrupting our conversation. Lance walked through the doors, escorted by a police officer. His right hand was swollen and bloody and his right eye looked equally affected.

  “What happened?” I asked softly as Lance approached us.

  “Dammit, why is she here?” Lance directed toward his brother.

  “Dad called and told me you were here. I didn’t know if she was with you when it happened,” Logan said with a frustrated tone. “I already told her to go.”

  “You should go,” Lance said quietly toward me while keeping his head down. “You shouldn’t be here.”

  “You don’t get to brush me off until you tell me what happened,” I replied firmly, not breaking my gaze on him. “You asked me to trust you, and I did. So I deserve that much from you. You don’t get to push me away again just because there’s something about you that you’re ashamed of.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” he said solemnly, shaking his head. “I’m not ashamed.”

  “What happened?” I asked again.

  “I just beat the shit out of a guy, and I don’t feel an ounce of shame about it,” Lance replied, looking angry. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Look at me. Look at my face,” he seethed, pointing to the blood around his eye. “Does this look like the face of someone who could possibly know how to love you?”

  “I don’t care what your face looks like,” I replied, choking back the cracks in my voice. “I just want to know what’s going on.”

  “When I’m around you, Soph, I want to pretend that I’m normal. Like I’m a regular guy with a few flaws, but otherwise relatively put together… But I am so far away from that. You know what? If I was the guy you think I am, I would feel sorry about all of this, right? But I’m not sorry for it. I carry the weight of so many other things, but not this. Not this time. I broke someone’s bones. I heard them and felt them cracking underneath my own flesh, and I am not sorry for it. I don’t regret a second of it. You are not meant to fall for a guy like that.” Lance looked directly into my eyes and I didn’t recognize him. His eyes looked like they belonged to someone else entirely.

  “Lance,” I said softly, unsure of what to say. “You don’t get to tell me how I feel.”

  “Do you have a ride home?” Logan asked courteously, with much more compassion in his voice than he had before.

  A tear slipped out of my eye and I quickly brushed it away.

  “I don’t want you involved in any of this,” Lance stated, continuing to look at me with sad eyes. “I don’t want any of this in your life.”

  “It’s too late. I’m here.”

  “Logan’s right, you shouldn’t be,” he replied sternly.

  I threw my hands up in the air in frustration. “I’m already involved, Lance. You’ve already shared so much with me and I haven’t judged you for any of it. Whatever it is you’ve done, I don’t care. You promised you wouldn’t push me away. Talk to me.”

  “You’re not safe around me Sophia,” he said quietly. “Look who I am. Look at what I do. The person I am with you, it’s different. You think there’s goodness in me. You think I’m worthy of the way you feel, but you’re missing it. That’s not me. That’s not what’s inside my head.”

  “Your demons don’t scare me, Lance. Stop expecting them to,” I said softly as another tear fell out of my eye.

  “You can’t understand it,” he whispered, looking back at the ground again.

  “Stop saying that.”

  “I don’t understand it myself, Soph,” he continued. “These uncontrollable things come out of me, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m messed up, and I know that. It’s not fair to make you think you can fix it. You can’t. It doesn’t just get better because you wish it so.”

  “That’s not fair,” I replied, brushing away yet another tear. I refused to fall apart in front of him. “I’m not wishing you better, Lance. I’ve been wishing my Grandma Eve better for two years, just to watch her get worse in front of me every single day. I’m not completely disillusioned to loving someone who doesn’t accept what I’m offering. I know this isn’t the same thing, but you don’t know what I’ve been through either. So you don’t get to stand there and tell me that you don’t know how to love me. Because you’ve been doing it. Slowly. Every single day that we’ve been together, little by little, you’ve already been doing it. Just because you don’t recognize that right now, with a bloody face, that doesn’t make it any less true.”

  “I know that,” he said softly, looking up at me.

  “Whatever you’re carrying, let me have it. Your brother’s here, I’m here. Your dad obviously called Logan because he was worried. You have a tribe of people who care about you. You’re not alone in this, Lance. Stop acting like you are.”

  “I know,” he said again with a heaviness in his voice. “But I deserve to be alone after what I’ve done. I can’t do this.” He walked past me, straight out the front doors of the police station. The look in his eyes as he passed nearly broke me. He looked empty, and that’s what terrified me the most.

  “He just needs some space,” Logan said sympathetically, offering me a polite nod as he followed after Lance. I just stood there, feeling helpless.

  A moment later, the driver of the black car came inside the station. “Just checking in on you, miss. Do you still need a ride elsewhere?”

  “It appears I do,” I mumbled, following the driver out the double doors to the idling car. I watched Logan’s Jeep drive away and it burned throughout my entire body.

  Lance once told me the ultimate crime was giving up on someone who so badly needed you.

  All I knew at this point - that wasn’t going to be me.

  Chapter 16

  The next morning I awoke even angrier than when I’d gone to bed. The entire world felt off and I hated that. All this pent up emotion and frustration I held onto was over a boy. I never pictured myself to be one of those girls, yet here I was, hopelessly falling for one who was too broken to catch me.

  I arrived to work by six-thirty, eager
to find a distraction. I sketched like mad, wrote out schedules, and looked up some upcoming tradeshows – anything to keep my mind off my broken heart. My phone chimed, and I was grateful it was Lexi.

  Still coming by this morning for the dirt on your man?

  I thought about her text. Perhaps my prying around into Lance’s life was a futile attempt at this point. Why was I trying to help him with research on the cabin he wanted to buy? His future plans didn’t seem to include me anyway at the moment. Still, I wondered what Lexi could find. Maybe she had access to something helpful? I didn’t care about Lance’s financial situation – whether he had money or not, it made no difference to me. But I couldn’t help but wonder what the cabin could do for him. He was so passionate about it. He lit up while talking about it. The joy that radiated from him as he talked about his future there, that’s what I wanted so badly to fix in him.

  I texted back. I’ll be there. Maybe I couldn’t fix Lance. Maybe his brother couldn’t fix him either. But having something to pour himself into, maybe that could slowly rebuild him, with or without me.

  I continued working on projects around the office, brushing off both Austin and Gianna every time they asked if I was all right. Of course my head was spinning, but I wasn’t ready to unload all of this on them. Not until I had some control over it first.

  Finally around eleven-thirty, I walked through downtown to Lexi’s bank. She’d worked there since high school, so I was thankful her seniority afforded her a small sectioned-off cubical area where we could have a mostly private conversation.

  “What do you want to start with?” she questioned as I sat down in a cushioned blue chair in front of her pine desk.

  “Here’s the property address for the cabin I mentioned,” I stated, sliding a piece of paper toward her. “Is it possible to find out any info on that?”

  “Of course, I know a few people who can probably get what we need. But you want some actual dirt on him and possibly his ex-girlfriend, right?” Lexi raised a brow. I hated how well she could read me.