The Weight of Madness Read online

  After much debate, I dialed the phone number to Rivers & Sons Construction. It was nearly eleven, and I felt awful about it, but I couldn’t sit idle.

  “Hello?”

  “Mr. Rivers?” I asked softly, noting the voice on the other end appeared to be a middle-aged man.

  “Yes, may I ask who this is?”

  “I’m so sorry to call this late, my name is Sophia Grace,” I began, wishing I’d rehearsed this first.

  “Ah, Sophia,” he said warmly. “I’ve heard so much about you. You’ve been spending time with my son, yeah? He’s quite fond of you.”

  “I’m really sorry to bother you, but his phone is shut off, and I was just getting a bit worried,” I explained. “Is he still in Carlstown by chance, or did he head back?” I wasn’t sure what his father knew about what had happened last night. Actually, I wasn’t sure how much his father knew about his entire situation. The way Lance spoke about him, it seemed as if they were close growing up, but had maybe disconnected a bit as of late.

  “He left last night, around ten pm,” his father explained. “He left in somewhat of a rush, actually, I would’ve expected him to make it back late last night. Are you saying he’s not back in town yet?” There was a hint of concern in his voice.

  “He probably is, I think I just missed him,” I said calmly, not wanting to worry him. “He probably just didn’t charge his phone. Would Logan know his whereabouts?”

  “Well they drove together, so I would imagine Logan knows where he is. Do you have his number?”

  “You know what, I do, I’ll just call him,” I stated, not wanting to worry him any further by mentioning I couldn’t reach Logan either. If he wasn’t aware of the situation, I certainly didn’t want to be the one trying to explain it all to him. “I really do apologize for calling so late, I should’ve explored other avenues first. My sincere apologies.”

  “If something’s wrong, Sophia, will you contact me?” he asked sincerely. “I know my son has been through a lot this past year. He keeps a lot of it from me, I know that, but I love him so much, whether he realizes it or not. I’m not asking for details he doesn’t want me to know, but just asking if you’ll contact me if he needs help in any way.”

  I almost felt relieved for a moment, knowing I wasn’t the only one close to Lance who was kept in the dark. At the same time though, it was heartbreaking. He had all these people around him who loved him and wanted to help him so badly, yet he wouldn’t accept what was so sincerely being offered. “I’ll pass along the message,” I replied softly. “I don’t know the entire story either, other than it seems he’s punishing himself for things he had no control over. I so badly want to fix him, but I don’t know how.”

  “Just don’t give up on him. That’s all you can really do for someone,” Mr. Rivers continued. “That boy will hold the weight of the world on his shoulders before asking for help, without realizing that’s too much for anybody to handle alone. He keeps it in, all to himself. Maybe that’s somehow my fault, I don’t know. I just want him to know he’s not alone in this. He’s so afraid of falling, yet sometimes hitting your knees is the best thing for you. That’s the only way he’ll find the forgiveness he so badly needs.”

  “How do you make another person realize that?”

  “You just love them anyway,” he said with a sigh. “That’s all I know to do. Maybe that’s not enough, I don’t know, but it certainly isn’t wrong. So please, when you see him again, tell him I love him, and I’m here for him.”

  “I will,” I responded politely. “Thanks for taking my call.”

  “I look forward to meeting you in person soon,” he said warmly.

  We hung up, and although I appreciated what he had to say, I still didn’t have any more clarity on what to do.

  I threw on some yoga pants and a light sweatshirt and tied my hair up into a ponytail. I wasn’t real sure of my plan, but I knew I had to get out. Sitting in my apartment alone was gnawing away at my nerves. Going to bed was out of the question.

  I went by Olivia’s pub for a bit. Lexi already had plans for the night, so I went in solo. She offered me a drink, but I wasn’t in the mood. She was busy behind the bar, so I just sat there, drawing swirls into the bar top, bored out of my mind.

  “I hate seeing you this way,” Olivia stated, finally returning back toward my side of the bar. “What can I do? Should we borrow a car and just Thelma and Louise it?”

  I smiled at the reference. “Too dark,” I said with a slight laugh. “Here I am, just sitting around, as if I’m waiting for him to walk in the door or something. I’m a mess. He’s a mess. You’d think that would make us perfect for each other,” I added in a dry tone, completely frustrated. “I need to get out of here before I lose my mind.”

  “Where are you going? It’s almost one in the morning.”

  “I don’t know. Just out for a drive.”

  “Call me if you need reinforcements,” she said, waving goodbye to me from across the bar. I stepped outside the pub and the cold air felt good on my face.

  I drove north, along Lakeshore Boulevard. I smiled at all the beachfront houses, admiring their view as I saw glimpses between properties. After passing the bait shack, I turned on North Pines Boulevard. This is what Lance did in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep, right? He would just drive around the lakeshore. It was all I could think to do. Finally I came to the gravel turnoff Lance had brought me to the first day we met, and then again for our first proper date. I made my way up the drive, parking right in front of the old cabin. Sure enough, Lance’s dark blue truck was already there. I should’ve known.

  There appeared to be lights on inside. What was he doing here so late? Did he bring the generator back? I turned off the engine and stepped out of my car, walking toward the front door. I could hear music blasting from inside, which wasn’t hard to miss given how many windows were missing. I tried knocking on the door, but I imagined the music was too loud for him to hear me. I slowly opened it.

  I looked around inside the cabin. The string lights that once hung around the ceiling when we visited weeks ago – they were all stripped down now, resting broken along the ground. There was glass everywhere. I heard loud noises coming from the back side of the house. I walked into the kitchen area, and there I saw Lance – holding an axe, slamming it into the worn cabinets against the wall.

  Piece by piece, he was shredding the entire cabin.

  Chapter 20

  I must’ve let out a scream – his motion startled me as he swung the axe into the wood. He was sweating and his face looked angry as he tore down the pieces around him. He turned to face me, completely caught off guard by my presence.

  “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here,” he said coldly, reaching into his pocket to control the speaker from his phone. “You should go.”

  “What are you doing?” I asked cautiously, looking around the kitchen. The counters were smashed in, the sink was shattered into a thousand pieces, and the cabinets now hung in shreds along the wall. He looked back at me, and his eyes were bloodshot and angry.

  “You really should leave,” he said sternly, trying to avoid my gaze.

  “Why aren’t you returning my calls?” I tried sounding confident, but I felt anything but. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s a matter of time before you leave, Soph. You may as well just do it already.”

  “What are you doing to this place?” I looked around, feeling immediately saddened by the destruction I was witnessing. The cabin was in bad shape already, I knew that. But he was just outright destroying it now, and it affected me.

  “This place is useless,” he said, gritting his teeth. “It’s splintered, and broken, and weak, and it doesn’t deserve to be saved.”

  “Lance, what are you doing,” I repeated softly, stepping closer toward him. “You love this place. It’s one of your favorite spots. You told me. Why are you destroying it?” I felt my eyes get wet as I looked back at him. He loo
ked like a stranger to me now, full of sorrow and rage and some kind of emptiness I never recognized before. “Lance, please. Talk to me.”

  “I don’t deserve you, Sophia,” he said firmly. “I can’t spend the rest of my life pretending like I do.”

  “You don’t get to decide what I deserve,” I said cautiously, trying to read his expression. “You can stop me from caring about you, Lance.”

  “Maybe not right now,” he nodded, still looking angry. “But it will happen. I know it will. I’m already slipping. I’m already losing my ability to hide myself from you. This has an expiration date on it, Soph. You know that.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I put a defensive hand on my hip.

  “Every love story has an expiration date, Sophia. This is ours,” he shrugged. “I tried. I really did. I talked to the therapist like you asked. I got to relive every single detail I’ve tried so hard to push out of my mind. They have me on six different medications now. I can’t even feel anything anymore, do you know what that’s like?” He threw down the axe and clenched his fists. He grabbed a near-empty bottle from the ground beside him. It looked to be some kind of whisky. He took a giant sip, setting it back down, returning his attention to me. “Before anyone tried to fix me, I at least felt something. It was all terrible, but I still felt alive in some way, as horrible as it was. Now? I’m just a ghost, wandering around, terrified of the moment when you’ll see through me and figure it all out.”

  “Figure what out?”

  “That I’m unforgiveable,” he sneered, looking straight into my eyes. “That’s not something you can fix. The doubt and uncertainty in my head – you can’t fix any of it. You want someone by your side, Soph, I know that. I am not that guy. Before you ask me how I know, it’s so obvious. I’ve never been that guy for anyone. It’s impossible for me. I cannot possibly be that guy for you.”

  “What if you are?” I stared back at him. “What if you are, and you just don’t know it yet?”

  “Your fairytale ruined you, Sophia,” he said in a maniacal tone. “What did you tell me when we met? That you believe in fairytales because of the madness, right? You have it all wrong. When you lose the battle, Soph, you actually lose. What, are you going to fight for me like your dad fought for your mom? Everyone lost, Sophia. I’d think you’d be the first to understand that.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. I had to believe he wasn’t in a state of mind where he truly knew what he was saying, but it still stung nonetheless. “You really want to bring my mom into this?” I replied curtly. “You’re right, everybody lost. I sure did. My father did. My grandparents did. The world lost out on her being part of it. Every love story has an expiration date on it. You’re actually right about that. My Grandma Eve, hers either expired when she lost my grandfather to cancer after sixty-one years, or maybe the finality of it all occurred when the day came she could no longer remember she even missed him, so yeah – it all ends. I’m not disputing that. But the journey to getting there is what matters, Lance. Love ain’t sunshine.”

  “Then why does anyone bother with it?”

  “Because that’s all there is to bother with, Lance,” I shouted back at him. “Love is the only thing left in this world that keeps life from not completely sucking. That’s literally it. Without it, there would be no point. You think breaking down all of this wood, you think that’s going to restore you and give you purpose? You think this house is all that’s left to forgive you for what you think you’ve done? You just said you don’t feel anything, but that can’t be true. You obviously feel something to be smashing apart the single only thing you care about. You know what? I don’t care that you’re ruining this place, if that’s what it takes. If that’s what makes you feel something, then do it. Break all of it. Shatter everything in here and then tell me you still feel nothing. But what’s the point? I already see past everything you think is wrong with you. You are not the things you think you’ve done. You are not your past. Everything holding you back from the life you deserve, I’m not saying those things aren’t real to you. But they aren’t real to me – that’s the difference. Which means at this point your pride is the only thing keeping you from what you want, Lance. It’s the only thing creating distance between you and any amount of happiness you could have. You can make all the excuses in the world for it, but it’s you. You are the only reason you feel unworthy of being loved. You’re terrified of someone caring about you. But you don’t get to choose.”

  “I’m this house,” he said somberly as tears formed in the corners of his eyes. “I’m everything here, Soph. How do you not see it? Everything in here is used…worn…damaged. The foundation is broken. There are cracks in the floors and holes in the walls. You can pretend all you want that you don’t see it, or that love can fix all that, but sometimes it’s not enough. You have to know that’s true. Some things just remain broken no matter what you do.”

  “I know,” I said softly. “I’ve been broken a long time, Lance. You think I’m not full of cracks? Some of us are just better at holding it together, but it doesn’t make it any less true. The madness you feel inside – I’m not discounting that it exists to you. I’m sure it does. We all have it, in some form – insecurities, anxieties, doubt, fear… But my whole point is that it’s only heavy to you because you’re shutting everyone else out.”

  “What would you know about the weight of madness?”

  “I know how heavy it is to carry on your own,” I stated, clenching my own fists now. “I’ve had my share of it. I’ve lost every single person in my family, Lance. Do you realize that? That’s a heavier burden than anyone should have to bear. You think that hasn’t completely shaken my entire belief in my capacity to care about someone? My first experience with heartbreak when my mom passed, I was too young to recognize it, but the big picture of it was instilled in me on every level. She literally lost her mind and nothing could save her – not medicine, not prayer, not love – none of it cured her. The worst part of it that weighs on me is that I could be her. You think a day goes by that I don’t worry that I’ll end up like her? I’m like her in so many ways, Lance. Little things. Big things. It terrifies me that someday I’ll be just like her, and you know what? It haunts me every single day. What if that happens to me? What if someday I can’t fight for myself? I’m scared to death that I’ll end up the same way. You think I don’t get angry about that all the time? The mere thought of it torments me. It’s entirely possible, I know that. But you know what would be worse? Giving up on the rest of the entire world like my father did, just because something didn’t turn out like he wanted. That’s the one big thing I’ve learned about life, Lance. You may not be able to fix everyone or save everyone but it’s about giving it everything you have anyway – because that’s the only thing that fixes me.”

  “It’s different,” he said quietly.

  “No it isn’t. Maybe I don’t express it the way you do, but it’s not all that different. You think I don’t get angry?” I huffed, grabbing his whiskey bottle from the ground. I threw it against the wall and it shattered. Shards of glass rained down onto the floor. “Every day after I see my grandma, watching her slip away right in front of me, you think I don’t want to break things too? I want to every single day. But guess what? Breaking things doesn’t make them new, Lance. Everything you’re tearing down, this house, us, it doesn’t fix anything. I’m not going to stand here begging you to love me. I can’t make you feel that way, and I know our life experiences have given us different points of view. I’m not expecting to change yours. I just simply came to tell you that whatever you’ve done, it’s not so bad that you don’t deserve to be loved.”

  “It’s true, you know,” he said quietly, looking down at the floor. “What Nick said, about killing Emily. It’s all true. So before you try to tell me nothing is unforgiveable, I guess you should know.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

  “We had just split up at that
point. As much as I wanted to help her, she wanted no part in getting better, so I finally had to break it off. It was after the incident with Charlie, and I couldn’t handle anything anymore. I moved out. She called me a few days later to tell me she had taken a bunch of pills,” he explained, still not making eye contact with me. “She wanted me to come and sit with her. I’d gotten that same call a hundred times before, and I just couldn’t do it again.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “I went to the beach,” he replied quietly.

  “What?”

  “I literally left my apartment, didn’t call anyone for help, and drove to the beach,” he repeated with complete sadness in his eyes. “I did nothing. The medical reports were very clear, Sophia. She could’ve been saved, but too much time had passed by the time her brother found her. Love could have actually saved her. She called me for help, and I went to the beach. That’s what I did when someone needed me the most.”

  “You couldn’t have known then what would happen,” I said sympathetically. “If that same scenario happened a hundred times before and turned out okay, you couldn’t have known that night would’ve ended differently.”

  “That’s just it. Of course it crossed my mind, Soph. It was very real to me that one day she would probably die that way given the path she was on. It was clear to me that in some messed up way, that’s what she wanted, as if it was her only escape from her suffering. She overdosed repeatedly, as if that was the only way out for her. I was so scared of it for two years, that I hung around to prevent that very thing from happening, call after call. But then just because I reached my breaking point, that also became hers. I will always blame myself for that, because had I gone to her apartment, it wouldn’t have ended that way.”