The Weight of Madness Read online

  “She’s so ill,” I replied, tears streaming down my face. “She’s been ill for so long, Olivia. What if she’s giving up?”

  “That woman has no ‘give-up’ in her, Sophia Grace. You and I both know that. Look at you, have you ever given up at anything? Ever? Hell no. You know why? Because it’s genetic.”

  I cracked a smile through my tears, feeling some solace in her words. She was right. Grandma Eve had so much fight in her, even when she didn’t recognize herself or her surroundings. It was innate.

  Twenty minutes of pacing the hospital lobby did little for my nerves. Lance tried his best to console me, though I wasn’t focused enough to listen. All I knew is how grateful I was to have him here by my side, holding my hand.

  “I’m sorry this ruined all your plans,” I said quietly, slumping down in a chair next to him. “Today was absolutely perfect, before all of this happened.”

  “That’s pretty much life, right?” He tried to smile, though his face looked uncertain. “There is no shortage of bad news in this world. This is just another thing. A hiccup. She’ll get through this.”

  “Everyone keeps saying that, but no one is telling us anything,” I replied with animated arms, feeling angry that we hadn’t received an update yet. Tears continued to trickle down my face. “The hardest thing about all of this is that I’ve been waiting for it for so long. I know she’s sick. I know there’s ultimately no cure for her, and she will eventually pass from this. I know that. But no matter how many times I’ve tried to prepare myself for this, I don’t have it in me, Lance. No matter how many days or years I have left with her, I will never have it in me to say goodbye to her. Never. Especially not today. I cannot say goodbye today.”

  “No one is ever prepared for a goodbye like that, Sophia. Nothing lessens the pain of that. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, or how much love you have in you – nothing makes those words easier.”

  A woman in scrubs came out of the large blocked corridor, and another woman in a white coat followed closely behind. I immediately stood.

  “She’s doing better,” the doctor stated, and I immediately felt relief wash over me. “Her vitals still need to improve before we can discharge her, and I expect that she may need to stay overnight, but she’s awake. She’s asking for Maggie? Is that you?” She looked directly at me.

  Tears flooded my face. I couldn’t even respond, all I could do was shake my head no. I hated that she still longed for someone who had left her so long before. I hated the way in those moments I longed for time with my mother as well. I’d missed out on so much with her, and it hurt so much worse to be reminded of that.

  “Sophia, go in,” Lance said gently, squeezing my hand before letting it go. I followed the doctor back to the room my grandma was in. She was hooked up to machines on both sides of her bed. She smiled as soon as I entered the room.

  “Maggie,” she said warmly. I wasn’t sure what to say. Instead I simply cried, sitting down next to her bed.

  “I knew I’d see you today. Harold too. I just felt certain all of a sudden that I would see you both,” she continued.

  “It’s just me, Grandma,” I replied quietly, reaching out to grab her hand. There were tubes in her and she looked so uncomfortable.

  “I saw him today you know.” She sounded so confident as she said it, and her eyes held more joy than I expected given these circumstances.

  “Who? You saw who today?”

  “Harold,” she stated matter-of-factly. “We were dancing in the kitchen. We were always dancing.” Her voice was full of nostalgia.

  “You were dancing today, Grandma,” I said softly, unsure of how to bring clarity to her mind right now. That was the worst part of Alzheimer’s for me – the way she held onto certain things while losing so much else. Meanwhile I felt like I was losing everything, and yet she seemed oblivious to it. If she truly believed she was dancing with the love of her life today, I couldn’t possibly take that away from her. I so badly wanted her to believe exactly that.

  “He’s a good dancer, you know,” she continued. “We were crazy about each other. It didn’t make sense to everyone else. Our parents thought we were too young, like we didn’t have our wits about us just yet. Our friends didn’t understand it either, because half the time we made each other crazy. But that’s the secret, dear girl. Embrace the crazy. Laugh in the rain with your best friends. Give up on what the rest of the world thinks. Love someone because they believe in dancing. Everyone thinks it’s more complicated than that, but that’s the whole secret. Find magic in the madness and you’ll make it through anything. You want a lifetime of happiness – dump the weight of the world on the side of the road and find someone to dance with. That’s it.”

  My Grandma Eve closed her eyes, and I swear there was a smile on her face as she drifted off to sleep. Despite the hospital gown, she looked so very radiant to me with that kind of joy on her face. Maybe she knew something I didn’t. Maybe she really would be dancing with my Grandpa Harold tonight. The thought rested heavy on my chest, but at the same time, I knew the joy on her face now would be the exact way I would forever see her in my mind.

  **********

  FOUR MONTHS LATER

  “Our first Christmas Eve together,” I said softly, watching the snow fall onto the second story balcony. The lake in the distance moved against the breeze and the trees were collecting thick layers of white. The view outside the second story cabin window was my absolute favorite, and although I’d moved in more than a month ago, I couldn’t get enough of this spot. It was my favorite thing to see every morning when I woke before heading into work. “I can’t believe how beautiful this day is.”

  “I don’t want to ruin it for you, but my weather app says the wind chill is negative thirty-seven right now,” Lance replied with a laugh. “So although I’ll give you the beauty aspect of it from this window, it’s going to be a little frigid out there getting in and out of the truck.”

  “We’d better go or we’ll be late,” I snickered. “I’m a Michigan girl, remember? We don’t feel anything below zero. It’s all the same.” I kissed him and we headed out of the cabin.“Did you grab both bags with the presents?” I questioned as we pulled down the snow-covered drive.

  “Of course, they’re all in the back seat.”

  I swung my head around just to be sure. “Thank you,” I said warmly, appreciative of how thoughtful he was. We’d still had our share of challenges over the last few months. His medications were always changing, but his visits to the therapist were becoming more sparse and he’d made so many advances compared to where he was when we first met. He still often had nightmares about his past, and would sometimes shake in his sleep, but his anger quelled and he had so much more love inside him than I ever thought was possible. We talked about everything and worked through his issues together, and the closer we became, the more certain I was that we could get through anything.

  We were heading to Austin’s house for Christmas Eve dinner with Anne and their adorable baby Arthur. Before heading over to their place, however, we had to make a stop.

  We pulled into the parking lot on Sapphire Street and exited the truck, trying not to slip on the slick snow-covered surface as we carried two bags of presents inside. The lobby smelled like pine and there was a beautiful tree standing tall in the middle of the room. As soon as we entered my Grandma Eve’s room, her entire face lit up.

  “I see presents,” she said with an animated smile. “We’d better make this quick though, I think I have Bridge tonight with my ladies group.”

  “You don’t have Bridge tonight Grandma, it’s Christmas Eve,” I replied with a laugh. “We wanted to come see you before we head to dinner. Lance wanted to give you your presents tonight instead of making you wait until tomorrow.”

  “I will never say no to early presents. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday you know.”

  “I remember Grandma,” I said with a nod, “you used to put a tree in every room. There wa
s garland everywhere. It took Grandpa Harold at least a week to get all of the lights up. Your house looked like the Las Vegas strip. I know how much you love Christmas. We’re spending all day with you tomorrow.”

  Lance took the presents out of the bag and slowly started handing them to her.

  “What’s this one?” I mouthed to him, confused by the silver wrapping. All the presents I wrapped for her were in red.

  “Just something I picked up for her, it’s nothing,” he said dismissively as my grandma left the room to put on some slippers.

  “You’re picking out presents for my grandma now?” I said with a slight giggle. I had a hard enough time buying things for her, so I couldn’t even imagine what he found. We hadn’t talked about it, so I was a little surprised, but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless.

  Grandma Eve slowly opened up her presents, carefully peeling the tape off each one so she could reuse the ‘pretty’ paper. I loved the way she found joy even in the little things. By the time she’d opened all the ones I wrapped, including a new cardigan, a new scarf, and a canvas I had made of a picture I had from long ago of her, my grandpa Harold and me all together at a park, Lance finally handed over the one he brought for her.

  “Oooh, this one looks lovely,” she replied, feeling it in her hands. She jiggled the square package. “Rocks?”

  “Why would Lance give you rocks?” I questioned with a laugh.

  “Harold used to do that all the time to trick me. I’m a shaker when it comes to presents, and it would make him crazy as I tried to guess each one weeks before the holiday even came. So he’d fill them up with rocks or screws – odd things to make noise to throw me off the scent.”

  “There are no rocks in there, I promise,” Lance said warmly as she gently opened the paper. She finished opening the package, and it appeared to be a shoe box.

  “Shoes?” I looked over at him, questioning the gift.

  Grandma Eve took off the lid and gasped. “Oh my, these are exquisite,” she said, holding up a pair of black sparkly flats. “Are these…”

  “Dancing shoes,” Lance answered with a smirk. “You have a party coming up. I thought you might want to wear those.”

  “A party?” I asked quizzically, staring back at him. We hadn’t talked about any kind of party.

  “When is the party, dear?” she asked excitedly.

  “I don’t know, whenever Sophia wants to have it.”

  I looked back at him, and there he was, kneeling down in front of me with a small black box in his hands. “Lance, what…”

  “I already asked her for her blessing, and she agreed,” Lance began. I looked back at my Grandma Eve and her eyes looked misty. She covered her mouth with her hand though I could tell from her cheeks she was smiling. “Our love story didn’t start on the first page,” he stated, staring right back into my eyes. “I know it’s not the perfect fairytale all little girls are led to believe, but you told me the good ones are never like that. You said so yourself in the beginning that the story doesn’t have to be perfect, because that’s where the real magic is, and I whole heartedly believe that. Our story hasn’t been without flaws or frustration, but not a day has gone by since I first walked into your store that I haven’t wished to be the guy who gets to love you forever. I know I’m still a work in progress, Sophia. But if you’ll have me, I promise to spend the rest of our lives working toward being everything you deserve. Let me be the person who lights you up and helps you achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Let me stand in your sunshine for awhile until I’m certain it’s my own and we can take on anything together. You’ve already made me realize the guy I am, Soph. Now let me spend forever showing you exactly what that looks like.”

  My throat felt tight and I couldn’t speak. My eyes filled up and my heart felt like it was going to come through my chest.

  “If you say yes, I’ll get to dance again,” my Grandma Eve chimed in excitedly. Lance and I both laughed, and I loved the way this entire room felt full of pure, uncomplicated joy.

  “Yes,” I whispered, barely able to get the word out. Seconds later, the bathroom door burst open and Olivia and Lexi were there, crying, leaping toward me to wrap me in a tight hug. “What are you guys doing here?” I couldn’t believe they’d been hiding in another room through this.

  “We’re your tribe, so we get to be a part of all the good stuff,” Olivia winked at me. “I would never want to miss this moment, Soph, but I also didn’t want to crash it. Lance agreed to let us be here if we swore we’d keep his secret.”

  “So you essentially blackmailed him?” I mused, and they both laughed.

  “Better than destroying his personal property, which you know I’m capable of,” Olivia teased back, bringing up our psychotic high school memories all over again. I realized as she said it that my relationship with her wasn’t all that sane either. In fact it seemed all my best relationships were a little corrupt in some way. We did a lot of stupid things together, and maybe people outside of us wouldn’t understand them. But that was the point – that was the secret. Embrace the crazy. Laugh in the rain with your best friends. Give up on what the rest of the world thinks. Love someone because they believe in dancing.

  Grandma Eve was right. That was the whole secret. Everyone else, they had some different fairytale built up in their mind – one that “fit” someone else’s standards, or some easy uncomplicated road that required little effort - one that was free of darkness. But that wasn’t my fairytale. That wasn’t my version of happiness.

  I realized that real love requires a little madness to make it through.

  THE END

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Randileigh Kennedy grew up in Nevada and now resides in the Midwest. When she isn’t writing, she stays busy planning random theme parties and working on crafty DIY projects, which are featured on her blog at www.randileighkennedy.com.

  You can also follow her on social media (Facebook: RandileighKennedyAuthor; Twitter: @randileighk; and an Instagram account she constantly forgets to use), but expect more pictures of her mini pig Kevin Bacon than you’ll see of her human children and insanely handsome husband.

  Thank you so much for reading this book! Please make sure you leave a review on Amazon.com. Your feedback helps tremendously.

  Be sure to check out other books from Randileigh, including Half-Truths, Ten Seconds of Crazy, The Falling Kind, and the Six Series, all available at Amazon.com. For more information, visit Randileigh’s Amazon author page at www.amazon.com/-/e/BooJHoFMQQ.