The Weight of Madness Read online

“Olivia doesn’t look familiar to you?”

  He looked past the deck down the beach as Lance carried the board out for her.

  “No,” he shook his head. “Though I can’t say I was in the right mindset at the time to notice her that night. Was she at the bar when it happened?”

  Okay, so they didn’t exactly know each other.

  “It appears she was there that night,” I shrugged. “Honestly she didn’t tell me much. Just that she recognized you and something about the cops.”

  “Dammit,” he muttered quietly. Lance was still down by the water, making sure Olivia was steady with the board. “I know this is weird to ask of you, given we just met, but can you promise you won’t tell Lance about that? He doesn’t need to know about it, for good reason. I was protecting him. He shouldn’t know,” he reiterated.

  “He’s your brother. You let him climb in a heating vent when he was nine, and now you’re trying to protect him from danger?” I snickered, trying to lighten the mood. “What makes you think he shouldn’t know if it involved him in some way?”

  “There’s a lot more to it, obviously,” he said softly, running a hand through his short dark hair. “I’m not a bad guy, despite whatever you may hear about the fight. It was bad, I know that. But I did it for him. It’s a messed up situation.”

  A loud scream came from the direction of the water. It appeared Olivia flipped the board, and the frigid water no doubt caused the shriek. I watched as Lance quickly darted out to the water to help her get back on the board.

  “Look, this thing with you two,” Logan continued, pausing as if he was unsure of what to say.

  “I know, it’s casual. We’re just getting to know each other. I know guys never want anything serious. I know it’s not my place to know your whole story,” I said sympathetically. I could tell they were close by the way they interacted together. Here I was, just some new girl he was talking to, prying for personal information.

  “Most guys don’t want anything serious, that’s usually correct,” he laughed softly. “But Lance isn’t that guy. He’s a good one. But he’s been through a lot. It’s been hard – on both of us I guess. But you’re good for him. I can already tell that after hearing him talk about you all day at work.” His lips curled up into a smile, and mine did as well at that comment. I hoped I wasn’t blushing. “Don’t tell him I just said that either,” Logan laughed. “He’ll kill me.”

  Lance grabbed the paddleboard out of the water and I knew we would only have another minute or two of private conversation before they rejoined us.

  “It’s not my story to tell, those are both yours.” I smiled back at him. “Just tell me there’s nothing for me to worry about.”

  “Not anymore,” he replied confidently, taking a sip of his beer. “I’ve handled it. I’m just trying to protect him from something that happened before…” He paused, and I wished so badly that I knew more. “I’m glad he found you. I really am, Sophia. For awhile there, I wasn’t sure he was going to make it.”

  Chapter 8

  Lance and Olivia rejoined us. My conversation with Logan was eating at me, and I wanted to know so much more about it. He spoke about his brother with a fierceness in his voice, and I knew that their relationship mattered a great deal. I would never interfere with that. But some part of me couldn’t help but worry for Lance in some way. His smile lit up his whole face, and I never saw an ounce of darkness behind his eyes, even when he spoke seriously about things. I couldn’t imagine anything was actually troubling him. There was nothing giving that away on the surface at least. I suppose that was one of the greater tragedies in life – the way people carried around such heavy burdens without the rest of the world so much as aware of it.

  We sat around the patio that evening, enjoying our burgers and some pasta salad, having more jovial conversation. We played some beach volleyball, then once the sun started to set we headed back up to the second story deck. They had a fire pit table set up and the warmth felt amazing as the temperatures dropped.

  “I’m so bummed I have to go into work tonight,” Olivia said somberly as we sat by the fire.

  “It’s nine-fifteen,” Lance replied, looking confused. “You stage houses this late?”

  “I also work at Kilwin’s Pub,” she explained, finally letting that information out. “I have to be in at ten tonight to cover for one of the other managers who has to be somewhere. I have tomorrow night off, remember Soph? Girls night at Lexi’s?”

  “Right.” I nodded my head. Now that Lexi was settled at home after her surgery and her parents were leaving town tomorrow afternoon, we agreed to get together for some sappy movies, wine, and cookie dough.

  “I feel like I could sit out here all night,” Olivia added, gazing up at the stars overhead. I felt the same way. As luck would have it, I didn’t have anywhere else to be.

  “I’ll give you a ride,” Logan suggested, reaching into his pocket for his keys.

  “I can actually walk from here. Besides, you’ve been drinking. You shouldn’t drive anywhere,” Olivia pointed out. “My apartment is only a few blocks over. I need to go home first and change anyway before my shift.” She stood up from her seat.

  “I’ll walk with you then,” Logan added politely, standing up as well. I loved the way he and Lance were both chivalrous in that regard. Grand Harbor was plenty safe, but even I wouldn’t have wanted Olivia to walk home alone at this hour.

  “I’ll help you get your stuff,” I chimed in, getting up from my seat as well. “We can talk about our plans for tomorrow real quick.” The truth was, I just wanted to make sure she was comfortable walking home with Logan. Otherwise I would’ve volunteered to do it in a heartbeat, even at the expense of having to leave Lance for the evening. She mattered more.

  We made our way into the apartment, and as soon as we were far enough from the guys, I unloaded a barrage of questions on her as she grabbed all her stuff.

  “From one to ten, where are you at right now on walking home with Logan? Do you like him? What’s the cop story, is he trouble? Are you ready to move beyond Garrett? Do you feel safe leaving? Talk quick,” I urged.

  She tilted her head up, laughing. She slung her beach bag over her shoulder and picked up her travel cooler with the other hand.

  “I’d say I’m between an eight and a nine, stone cold yes, it was just a violent bar fight but staring at his pecs and perfect face I’m totally over it, and yeah, Garrett is moving quickly off the list. And yes, perfectly safe.” She winked back at me as Logan walked into the apartment and I was in awe of how quickly and efficiently she did in fact answer all my questions. Logan grabbed her bag and cooler from her hands, expecting to carry them home for her.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow at Lexi’s,” I stated, giving her a quick hug goodbye.

  “I’ll give you a call tomorrow so we can go over a few things for the weekend too,” she replied with animated eyebrows. I knew that look meant we would finally get to have a long conversation about this entire day once she was up tomorrow after her late night shift. I was already excited for that conversation, partly to hear about her feelings on Logan and also to get more information from her about whatever happened the night she first encountered him. “Are you walking back tonight?” she added.

  “Not yet.” I was probably blushing heavily by now. “I’m going to hang out here for a bit longer.”

  “Don’t worry, Lance won’t let her walk home alone,” Logan assured, easing Olivia’s mind.

  We said goodbye and she and Logan headed out. I rejoined Lance back on the patio.

  “Today was really fun, but I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you how glad I am now that we’re alone,” he said sweetly, pulling me down into a cushioned chaise next to him. “Your friend is nice. I can tell Logan is all about her. You guys have been friends for awhile?”

  “Since kindergarten,” I replied nostalgically. “She arrived at school midyear, and some of the other kids made fun of her for her short boy haircut. I knew right
away she was confident and spunky, and I’d loved that about her ever since. We met Lexi in middle school and the three of us were inseparable.”

  “I can tell you guys are close. You talk so fast I can barely understand you two, yet you guys seem to understand each other perfectly. I love that. It’s good to have someone who gets you.”

  “Who’s your person? Your brother? You guys seem pretty close.”

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “It wasn’t always that way when we were younger. I took my share of beatings from him, like any little brother I guess. He talked me into doing a lot of really stupid things, and I always followed through just because I looked up to him even though he was an idiot. But then you become an adult and your whole relationship changes.”

  I couldn’t necessarily relate as an only child. “You guys are a lot closer now?”

  “Definitely. He knows more about me than anyone probably should,” he said lightheartedly.

  “So I should be pressing him for secrets? Or are you going to tell me all of them yourself?”

  “Are you saying you want to be my person?” His lips curled up and I studied his face. His classic handsomeness wasn’t the only thing that enamored me about him. The way his eyes lit up when he looked at me, that’s what really pulled me in. He had a way of making me feel like I was the only girl he’d ever looked at that way. I so badly wanted to make believe that was true, however unlikely it was.

  “There’s something about you,” I admitted, not wanting to lay too much out there. “I don’t know, I just connect with you in some way, differently than I usually do with other people.” Other guys – that’s what I was thinking. It was a different connection with him than with any other guy who’d ever turned my head. “I just want to know more about you, that’s all. Whenever you’re ready. The last couple days we’ve had a lot of conversation, but I suppose there’s always more to learn.” I couldn’t help but wonder what was behind his eyes as he looked back at me now in the glow of the firelight. His expression looked more serious than usual.

  “Did my brother say something to you?”

  I wasn’t sure how to properly respond to that, given that his brother really didn’t give me any details. “Similar to what you said last night, he just mentioned that maybe you’d gone through a rough time,” I replied hesitantly. “He didn’t elaborate. I’m not trying to pry. Just letting you know I’m here, if you ever want to talk about it.”

  “I got caught up in something and it didn’t turn out well,” he said softly, touching my face. “It’s long over, but I wrestle with it sometimes, wondering what I could’ve done differently – wondering what my life would be like if I’d never went down that path to begin with. But then when I think too much about it, especially at night when I can’t sleep, it’s bigger than my brain can process. Because if none of it happened, then I never would’ve ended up here, which I’m grateful for. It’s hard to want to erase some part of your life when you realize that would mean giving up anything good that came after that bad experience.”

  I thought about what he said. I certainly had regrets of my own, but he was right: had I done something differently, then perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am now. That mattered. You couldn’t just erase your past. I knew that.

  “Just think, if what I went through never happened, we never would’ve met,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t have ended up in Grand Harbor with my brother if I had nothing to run away from. This place is my start-over. Maybe this is my chance to get something right. Everything before now – it doesn’t really matter anymore.”

  His eyes were full of emotion, and I wanted so much more.

  “What did you run away from?” I had to ask.

  “Madness,” he replied quietly, looking out over the water. He offered no further explanation. I leaned into his chest and he wrapped a firm arm around me.

  This was such a peaceful spot. The air was calm, there were no clouds masking the brightness of the stars, and the waves rolled against the shoreline in a soothing, rhythmic fashion. It seemed to me the tranquility of this place could erase anyone’s heartache. I suppose that’s what this place was for him. What did he just call it? His start-over. The problem was, I couldn’t tell how deep that went for Lance. He talked as though he had some burden weighing on him – his inability to sleep – some kind of chaos he wrestled with at night. Yet without knowing more about it, I wasn’t sure how to help him.

  “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m a good listener,” I whispered, trailing kisses down the side of his face as we stayed wrapped together on the chaise.

  “I will never make it yours.” He turned his face toward mine. “It’s bad enough with it in my own head. I would never put that on you. It doesn’t matter anymore.” He kissed me tenderly and my worry for him lifted a bit. “I’m glad I walked into your lighting store, Sophia Grace.” He kissed me again and my whole body shuddered.

  ***

  As I shifted, the crisp air hit my face. I could still hear the soft waves rolling along the shore, and the sky brightened from when I saw it last. I was wrapped up in blankets, leaning against Lance on the chaise. He smiled down at me.

  “What time is it?” My voice was raspy and I felt a bit disoriented.

  “Probably close to six. That’s usually when the sun starts creeping up.”

  “Why do you sound so awake? Did you sleep at all?”

  “I may have dozed off for a bit,” he said quietly. “But I’ve been up for awhile. I like watching you sleep.”

  “I told you, that’s one of the creepiest things you can say to another person,” I snickered.

  “Sorry, but it’s true. You look so peaceful. Your mouth turns up into little smiles every now and then, and your eyebrows move a lot. I can’t help but wonder what you’re dreaming about when you do that.”

  “I never remember my dreams. Maybe a few of the bad ones, but that’s it. It’s freezing out here,” I stated, changing the subject. The blankets felt good and his body was warm next to mine, but I was still in my dress from the night before. It felt like it was less than fifty degrees out.

  “Do you want me to turn on the fire? Or we can head back in?” He wrapped his arms around me tighter and it was comforting.

  “I can’t believe we just met and I’ve already slept with you twice,” I said blushing. “I swear that’s not usually my thing. I feel like we’re doing this backwards.”

  “It’s not usually my thing either. But… there’s something about you. I don’t know what it is. I just feel comfortable with you already. Is that weird to admit at this point?”

  “No, I understand what you’re saying.” He was right about that. We had some connection pretty quickly. I never believed in love at first sight, and obviously I didn’t believe this to be anything of that sort – I was still very aware that there was so much more to learn about him. I wasn’t sure you could have such strong feelings for someone before really getting to know them, flaws and all. But there was definitely something about him that piqued my interest much faster than usual. It wasn’t just physical, though that helped – any girl would be sucked in by his firm athletic body and his dreamy eyes. There was so much more to him though. He was funny and sweet, and these past two nights we spent conversing for hours on end, listening to the waves crash in – it was like a dream I couldn’t wake up from.

  “These past two nights have been the best I’ve had in Grand Harbor so far. Actually, they’re the best nights I’ve had in a long time anywhere,” he explained. “But I suppose I owe you a proper date. One that I’ve actually planned for just the two of us. Dinner? Maybe we can walk down by the pier off Market Street?”

  “That sounds perfect,” I responded, still wondering how I found this guy. The fact that he was referred into my shop was the best luck I’d had in awhile. I wondered if we would’ve met had that single event not occurred. He gave me a pit in my stomach in the best way – the way his arms felt around me – the anticipation of seeing him again – it
was consuming me quickly. “Oh, but I can’t tonight.”

  “Right, girls night,” he said playfully. “Tomorrow night then?”

  “That would be wonderful.”

  We untangled ourselves from the blankets and headed back inside. I fixed my hair quickly in his bathroom mirror, trying to look like I hadn’t just spent the night outdoors on patio furniture. My eyeliner from the previous day was smudged, clearly not helping me look put together. I fixed myself up as best I could with what I had, thankful I still had time for a shower at home before heading into the store.

  Lance walked me home and I loved the gesture. Most dates probably involved sunset strolls, but here we were, holding hands as the sun peeked over the edge of the earth, ready for a new day.

  “Can I call you later?” Lance asked as we made it up to my apartment door. “I don’t want to bother you while you’re working or when you’re with your friends later, but I’d love to hear your voice for just a minute since I won’t get to see you tonight. Is that crazy? Too much? My brother would probably punch me right now for blowing this, I don’t know the rules. Am I supposed to wait, like, two days to call you or something?”

  “We slept together twice,” I reminded him again as I playfully poked his arm. “I hope you do call me later. Put my number in your phone.”

  He reached into his jeans pockets. “I think I left my phone at home actually. Wait,” he paused, pulling out a black leather wallet from his back pocket. He pulled out my business card – the one I gave him at the shop when we first met. “I still have this. Your cell’s on here?”

  I nodded and he kissed me, shoving the card and his wallet back into his pocket. We leaned against the door of my apartment, unable to separate our lips or hands from one another. Finally, my neighbor’s apartment door opened, startling us.

  “Oh, it’s just you,” my seventy-eight year old neighbor Gladys sighed, putting a relieved hand on her chest. “For a minute I thought there were some rabid raccoons out here getting into trouble.” Lance and I tried to hold back our laughter.